underthestarliight: Its kinda blurry, its from a while ago, and my hand writing is shit because as you can probably tell, I was a fucking mess when I wrote this but I dunno I just figured I’d post it but please please please don’t change the source.. It says “Well here’s a letter for you that i’ll probably never let you read, so i don’t really know why i’m writing it. I just really need all this to make sense to me and i should probably just start off by saying this. What happened that night we kissed? Its like you loved me but you didn’t. You’re feelings for me changed so quick and by the next morning, you only wanted him. I don’t get it. That night, that moment, it just felt so perfect. & I had waited so long craving the taste of your lips that when i finally got it, i was addicted but it was worth it. Even though you’re gone now and even though i don’t feel like this was my fault, i mean yeah i let myself fall but you made me. I told you how i felt from the very beginning and not to mention, i told you almost everything but you led me on that night and you fucked with my mind. So why do i still miss you after all this time? I thought you were finally mine but you only wanted me for the night and it was fucking new years eve. I thought my new years wish had come true but little did i know that night would be the only time i got to hold you. & Don’t get me wrong cause i’m not trying to place the blame here baby but honestly there’s no way that you can’t see what you did to me. So tell me, did you enjoy this? Does my pain make you happy? You lit my heart just to leave it burning. Darling, is this what best friends mean? I just hope you know that no one will EVER love you more than me but you lost that love and now there’s just more pain left than anything but its been turning into hate slowly. The only thing i wanted was to keep you happy but you only are without me. So all i can say is i’m so sorry. Its just you make me so damn nervous and i can’t even function around you properly. Its hard to explain but i fucking hate how you have this affect on me, but i still tried my very best. You knew from the start i wasn’t any good at this. & My words sound better right here than in person so that’s why i wrote it. These words, i could probably never speak. So there here if i actually get the nerve to let you read. Around you i can barely even breathe. I’m a pathetic ball of anxiety but at least i can say that i tried. God, i can’t even put into words how much i loved that look in your eyes when i took a break from kissing you just to admire how stunning you are. I’d be lying if i said you didn’t still have my heart. Sometimes i just wish i could have you here once more by my side at least for just one night. Give me a chance to change your mind. Let me kiss the regret from your lips, cause we said we wouldn’t end like this. What happened to let’s still be friends? Actually, i’ll take most of the blame there. I know i became distant but you pushed me away. & I’m sorry i never spoke up to explain but either did you so its okay. I wrote it all down onto this page and maybe i’ll give it to you one day and we’ll get the chance to fix this mistake and end the pain cause you don’t just cross by time by time, you literally live inside of my mind. Its ruining my life. You’re always there. You creep through my dreams and you haunt me in my nightmares. I even bought a dream catcher cause i was starting to get scared but i destroyed it because it didn’t save me. The thought of you is driving me crazy. I’m so full of regret, i can’t take it. Memories of you drown me inside of my head. I’m taunted by all the words you said and the lies that i’ve been fed. Please! Just tell me what that night meant. Love is a difficult thing to understand and i clearly misunderstood it. Just text me and clear this up since we both clearly had different ideas cause its been such a long fucking time, just give me some closure. I need the truth but i don’t know how to get it from you, i hope this gets me closer. I’ve re-written this letter quite a few times but when it comes to you and i, i shouldn’t even try right? If i’m wrong feel free to let me know cause i never really did get a real explanation of why this happened. What was the point? Fucking tell me why already. This is killing me like damn you’re deadly. I’m been going back and forth between feeling down and acting strong but that’s all wrong cause i’m fucking crushed. Until you, i’ve never felt this kind of love. & I just wanted you to feel loved too, i didn’t wanna lose you, but i did cause you wanted him. Was it worth losing your best friend? Darling, why’d you have to fuck with my head? Things didn’t have to come down to this.. I mean i know that we were a bit drunk that night so maybe i don’t remember right but i could’ve sworn that you leaned in first that night. Tell me, what made you change your mind? I wanted to kiss you goodnight not kiss you goodbye. I can’t believe i thought that you’d be mine, Deep down i knew i didn’t have a chance but i took a second glance when you looked me in the eyes. Now my minds a mess, my hearts a wreck, but you’re still okay right? You broke me into pieces and left me with a shattered heart and struggling soul that’s impossible to fix. I destroyed myself just so you couldn’t but somehow you still did, fuck this. This isn’t what i wanted, why’d we have to end like this? We could have been perfect, but it still hurts just thinking about this and well to be honest i’m breaking down right now and this razor wants to kiss my wrist but i won’t let it because i know its not worth it. I’ll just use ink to write your name and watch it fade and disguise itself as my veins, seeings how pieces of you flow through my bloodstream anyways. So if you’re wondering why i’m using pencil right now instead of a pen its because i wanna chance to fix my mistakes and i mean that metaphorically, would you give me a chance to do so maybe? Cause lately, i’ve been thinking back on what we had and i can’t actually lose this. There’s no denying it, we had a strong connection even on a level of friendship. I loved you more than i hate myself and that should say a lot because i hate myself more than anybody else. & I hope you’re happy with yourself. I feel like to you, i’m just a dusty book left up on the shelf. & Well i’m tired of only being wanted when you’re bored. I refuse to keep being wanted and then ignored. So stop doing this to me. I mean, i know that i was only a chapter in your story but in mine, you were the whole damn thing. This isn’t at all easy. I cant just get rid of these feelings. I wish you’d just let me in or leave me be cause i can’t be just friends with somebody, when i wanna cuddle up with them in bed and kiss them all down their neck. & I can’t stop craving the taste on your lips. I’m beyond addicted. Its pathetic. Its killing me and i let it, cause i just can’t forget. There’s so many things i still want to say but i know it would bring any changes, id just end up filling a whole notebook full of pages with a million words that would be wasted. So at the least, i’ll say this. I swear that you broke me so damn badly that i could actually hear the cracking of my heart when you broke it. It was a deafening sound of pure agony but of course you didn’t notice. You were too busy loving somebody else when i loved you more than i even hate myself but all you did is fuck with my head. The one person i thought would never leave, left. So here’s most of the things i haven’t yet said. I just wish mixed signals wasn’t all i get. I’d do anything for some long and honest texts, telling me like it is. All i ever wanted was you to be honest with me, for you to say what you mean even if its what i wouldn’t want to hear. It’d make me happy just knowing the truth. I wish i could get that from you cause after all we’ve been through, we should be able to talk this out. If only you’d clear up the doubt. I really miss having you around, but i guess i’ve learned to accept the loss and now i’m forever gone but i still wish you the best and i hope that if you’re not happy you’d let me know, cause i keep my promises and i wasn’t lying when i said that i’d always be there for you. & I’ve been trying to see things from your point of view to explain the things i thought i knew but it’d help a lot more if i could actually hear it from you. I guess i’ll end this now cause i’ve just been rambling on and on. I’m sorry things ended like this but goodbye my love. I’m now gone. & My pencils running out of lead, so you can probably barely read this but i think i’ll always feel something for you even if it changes frequently, so if i ever actually let you read this please write back to me. PLEASE! Because baby, i know you felt something that night even if it was gone once you blinked, you know you felt something… What was i to you?
holy fucking shit. this is so fucking amazing im crying.